You'll cringe when you read some of these.
1900S: WIFE = BABY FACTORY
"From the wedding day, the young matron should shape her life to the probable and desired contingency of conception and maternity," wrote Emma Frances Angell Drake in her 1902 marriage manual What a Young Wife Ought to Know. "Otherwise she has no right or title to wifehood."
She also advised young wives to "keep pace with their husband's mental growth" which sounds great... for a minute. She went on: "In this day of literary clubs and reading circles, the ambition to excel and keep pace with other women in mental culture, will prove a snare if not guarded against." Do you hear that ladies? No more book club!
1910S: DIVORCE — OR IGNORE — YOUR WIFE IF SHE DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU
"A modern woman who is of the contentious type is often amenable to love and reason. If she will only listen quietly — a process that is painful to her — you may firmly, rationally, and kindly convince her she is not always in the right. [...] A woman who will not listen to such a manifesto must be dismissed from your life," wrote Walter Gallichan in 1910 in his interestingly named Modern Woman and How to Tame Her.
"Probably you will not be able to cut the knot, for even the most contentious, fractious, and intractable of women possess subtle and talismanic attractions for certain men. Nothing is left then but to suffer and be strong," he continued. It's unclear who should be more offended — the men who must "suffer and be strong" or the "fractious and intractable" women — by this terrible advice on how to settle a marital disagreement.
1920S: DON'T DRINK TEA AND COFFEE BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOU FRIGID
"Tea and coffee are not ordinarily considered poisons yet their effect is unquestionably poisonous. [...] Drinking of tea and coffee in unlimited quantities on the part of women probably has a great deal to do with what is called frigidity in women due to the health-destroying effects on the reproductive system," wrote Bernarr Macfadden, in his popular tome Womanhood and Marriage. He then suggested that unless a husband wants a "frigid and flatulent wife in the marital bed" that he should forbid his wife from drinking those substances.
What McFadden might not have realized is that this is an inadvertently genius trick for not sleeping with your husband." Just tell him you can't tonight, Martha, because you've had too much tea. Then fart. Works every time!"
1930S: MINUS FIVE POINTS FOR FACE CREAM!
George W. Crane, Ph.D., developed a set of "marital rating charts" in the 1930s, complete with a points system that allowed you to grade your husband or wife with a neat numerical score. Women could lose points for not liking children, wearing red nail polish, going to bed with curlers in her hair, or wearing face cream (the horror!) and going to sleep after her husband.
Men could lose points for staring at other women (but only while out with his wife!), bringing surprise guests home for dinner, comparing his wife to his mother, and leaving his shoes in the living room. The stringent rules for women are definitely anti-feminist, but not all of the advice for men is totally terrible (what woman wants to be compared to her husband's mother?). Still, rating your spouse like a pig at a 4-H fair is just unsettling.
1940S: IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS
"Be a good listener, let your husband tell you all his troubles and yours will seem trivial in comparison," wrote Edward Podolsky in 1943 in Sex Today in Wedded Life. "Don't bother him with petty troubles and complaints when he comes home from work. Let him relax before dinner. Discuss family problems after the inner man has been satisfied."
And just in case you didn't get the message that your problems are dumb and no one wants to hear them, he added this reminder: "Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego; morale is a woman's business."
1950S: BEING A WIFE IS YOUR CAREER
Emily Hartshorne Mudd, one of the most prominent marriage counselors of her day, had some singular advice for other ambitious women in an article for the August 1955 edition of Reader's Digest. "To be a successful wife is a career in itself, requiring among other things, the qualities of a diplomat, a businesswoman, a good cook, a trained nurse, a schoolteacher, a politician and a glamour girl," she wrote.
And then there's the "Good Wife's Guide," a list of rules for girls prepping for marriage that epitomizes everything that makes modern women cringe. The Guide, for instance, advises young women to refresh their makeup, clean the house, quiet the children, and mix a fresh drink in anticipation for her husband's daily arrival home from work. (Oh, and the drink is for him, not for her! He gets to lounge with the paper and some booze while she puts the finishing touches on the table.)
1960S: SEX SOLVES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
When Sue, a housewife, showed up in Dr. Paul Popenoe's office with a black eye, given to her by her husband Jack, the celebrity marriage counselor explained to her that while her husband was wrong to hit her, the fault was really hers for not understanding what he needed. In his "Can This Marriage be Saved?" column for Ladies Home Journal, he wrote that when Sue refused to have sex after being beaten "she… touched off another almost inevitable explosion."
He added that this was a lesson to all wives: "Many husbands endeavour to make up for their misdeeds by such ardour, a fact of life that wise and loving wives accept." The '60s seem like they were a terrible decade for women.
1970S: "THOU SHALT NOT NAG"
In 1973, Dear Abby penned her "Ten Commandments for Today's Wives" which included this little gem: "Permit no one to tell thee that thou art having a hard time of it; neither thy mother, thy sister, nor thy neighbor, for the Judge will not hold her guiltless who letteth another disparage her husband."
And it's not just others who weren't allowed to discuss your husband's faults — it was you, too, as another item on the list was "Thou shalt not nag." But perhaps the finest example of just how far women had (and hadn't) come was the number one commandment: "Defile not thy body neither with excessive foods, tobacco, nor alcohol. That thy days may lie long in the house which thy husband provided for thee." So much for drinking with the girls!
1980S: BE AWKWARD AND WEAK
Are you confident? Overhaul that and turn to a puddle of shame! "Guys get an ego boost from your awkwardness," wrote Stacy Rubis in her 1984 manual How to Be Popular With Boys. "It makes them feel more in control, more manly. And at the same time they get more protective toward shy, trembling you."
And don't forget: "Be wary of an overtly aggressive gesture that might threaten his sense of masculinity, of him being the one in control." Ah, no wonder masculinity is so fragile.
1990S: TELL THE TRUTH... NEVER!
Look, taking relationship advice from a TV show probably isn't the best idea, but Friends was such a force in the '90s that it was hard not to absorb some of that Ross-and-Rachel/Monica-and-Chandler dysfunction.
Chandler often had the funniest lines… and the worst advice. To wit: "All right, look, if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for," he said when advising Ross about what to tell Rachel about his we-were-on-a-break one night stand.
2000S: MEN ARE CRABBY, HUNGRY, OR HORNY. TREAT THEM AS SUCH.
"Because of his hormones, he only has three emotions: crabby, hungry, horny. So agree with everything, explain nothing, then do what is best for you," wrote Sherry Argov in her 2002 dating and relationship guide Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl. "If someone else doesn't like your confidence, that's their problem. Why? You always come before they do, that's why."
Props for promoting confidence, but that's a pretty dim and cartoonish way to view men. Building women up shouldn't mean putting men down, and agreeing with something to appease a man just seems antiquated. Plus, it totally ignores the idea that a healthy relationship is about communication.
2010S: ALWAYS ACT LIKE A LADY... WHATEVER THAT MEANS
Patti Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker published her 10 Commandments for Women Looking for Love in 2014, and her number one rule was to "always act like a lady," which means don't swear, never have sex on the first date, and only accept weekend dates if he asks no later than Wednesday.
"If you accept out of eagerness, he will feel you are too easy, and will move on to someone who makes him work harder," she wrote. And if we've learned anything from 120 years of marital advice, it's that history does not look kindly on a woman who does what she wants — whether it's drink, have sex, or say what she wants.
(Photos: Getty Images/ designed by Megan Tatem. This article originally appeared on Redbook)
1900S: WIFE = BABY FACTORY
"From the wedding day, the young matron should shape her life to the probable and desired contingency of conception and maternity," wrote Emma Frances Angell Drake in her 1902 marriage manual What a Young Wife Ought to Know. "Otherwise she has no right or title to wifehood."
She also advised young wives to "keep pace with their husband's mental growth" which sounds great... for a minute. She went on: "In this day of literary clubs and reading circles, the ambition to excel and keep pace with other women in mental culture, will prove a snare if not guarded against." Do you hear that ladies? No more book club!
1910S: DIVORCE — OR IGNORE — YOUR WIFE IF SHE DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU
"A modern woman who is of the contentious type is often amenable to love and reason. If she will only listen quietly — a process that is painful to her — you may firmly, rationally, and kindly convince her she is not always in the right. [...] A woman who will not listen to such a manifesto must be dismissed from your life," wrote Walter Gallichan in 1910 in his interestingly named Modern Woman and How to Tame Her.
"Probably you will not be able to cut the knot, for even the most contentious, fractious, and intractable of women possess subtle and talismanic attractions for certain men. Nothing is left then but to suffer and be strong," he continued. It's unclear who should be more offended — the men who must "suffer and be strong" or the "fractious and intractable" women — by this terrible advice on how to settle a marital disagreement.
1920S: DON'T DRINK TEA AND COFFEE BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOU FRIGID
"Tea and coffee are not ordinarily considered poisons yet their effect is unquestionably poisonous. [...] Drinking of tea and coffee in unlimited quantities on the part of women probably has a great deal to do with what is called frigidity in women due to the health-destroying effects on the reproductive system," wrote Bernarr Macfadden, in his popular tome Womanhood and Marriage. He then suggested that unless a husband wants a "frigid and flatulent wife in the marital bed" that he should forbid his wife from drinking those substances.
What McFadden might not have realized is that this is an inadvertently genius trick for not sleeping with your husband." Just tell him you can't tonight, Martha, because you've had too much tea. Then fart. Works every time!"
1930S: MINUS FIVE POINTS FOR FACE CREAM!
George W. Crane, Ph.D., developed a set of "marital rating charts" in the 1930s, complete with a points system that allowed you to grade your husband or wife with a neat numerical score. Women could lose points for not liking children, wearing red nail polish, going to bed with curlers in her hair, or wearing face cream (the horror!) and going to sleep after her husband.
Men could lose points for staring at other women (but only while out with his wife!), bringing surprise guests home for dinner, comparing his wife to his mother, and leaving his shoes in the living room. The stringent rules for women are definitely anti-feminist, but not all of the advice for men is totally terrible (what woman wants to be compared to her husband's mother?). Still, rating your spouse like a pig at a 4-H fair is just unsettling.
1940S: IF YOU'RE A WOMAN, DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS
"Be a good listener, let your husband tell you all his troubles and yours will seem trivial in comparison," wrote Edward Podolsky in 1943 in Sex Today in Wedded Life. "Don't bother him with petty troubles and complaints when he comes home from work. Let him relax before dinner. Discuss family problems after the inner man has been satisfied."
And just in case you didn't get the message that your problems are dumb and no one wants to hear them, he added this reminder: "Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego; morale is a woman's business."
1950S: BEING A WIFE IS YOUR CAREER
Emily Hartshorne Mudd, one of the most prominent marriage counselors of her day, had some singular advice for other ambitious women in an article for the August 1955 edition of Reader's Digest. "To be a successful wife is a career in itself, requiring among other things, the qualities of a diplomat, a businesswoman, a good cook, a trained nurse, a schoolteacher, a politician and a glamour girl," she wrote.
And then there's the "Good Wife's Guide," a list of rules for girls prepping for marriage that epitomizes everything that makes modern women cringe. The Guide, for instance, advises young women to refresh their makeup, clean the house, quiet the children, and mix a fresh drink in anticipation for her husband's daily arrival home from work. (Oh, and the drink is for him, not for her! He gets to lounge with the paper and some booze while she puts the finishing touches on the table.)
1960S: SEX SOLVES DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
When Sue, a housewife, showed up in Dr. Paul Popenoe's office with a black eye, given to her by her husband Jack, the celebrity marriage counselor explained to her that while her husband was wrong to hit her, the fault was really hers for not understanding what he needed. In his "Can This Marriage be Saved?" column for Ladies Home Journal, he wrote that when Sue refused to have sex after being beaten "she… touched off another almost inevitable explosion."
He added that this was a lesson to all wives: "Many husbands endeavour to make up for their misdeeds by such ardour, a fact of life that wise and loving wives accept." The '60s seem like they were a terrible decade for women.
1970S: "THOU SHALT NOT NAG"
In 1973, Dear Abby penned her "Ten Commandments for Today's Wives" which included this little gem: "Permit no one to tell thee that thou art having a hard time of it; neither thy mother, thy sister, nor thy neighbor, for the Judge will not hold her guiltless who letteth another disparage her husband."
And it's not just others who weren't allowed to discuss your husband's faults — it was you, too, as another item on the list was "Thou shalt not nag." But perhaps the finest example of just how far women had (and hadn't) come was the number one commandment: "Defile not thy body neither with excessive foods, tobacco, nor alcohol. That thy days may lie long in the house which thy husband provided for thee." So much for drinking with the girls!
1980S: BE AWKWARD AND WEAK
Are you confident? Overhaul that and turn to a puddle of shame! "Guys get an ego boost from your awkwardness," wrote Stacy Rubis in her 1984 manual How to Be Popular With Boys. "It makes them feel more in control, more manly. And at the same time they get more protective toward shy, trembling you."
And don't forget: "Be wary of an overtly aggressive gesture that might threaten his sense of masculinity, of him being the one in control." Ah, no wonder masculinity is so fragile.
1990S: TELL THE TRUTH... NEVER!
Look, taking relationship advice from a TV show probably isn't the best idea, but Friends was such a force in the '90s that it was hard not to absorb some of that Ross-and-Rachel/Monica-and-Chandler dysfunction.
Chandler often had the funniest lines… and the worst advice. To wit: "All right, look, if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for," he said when advising Ross about what to tell Rachel about his we-were-on-a-break one night stand.
2000S: MEN ARE CRABBY, HUNGRY, OR HORNY. TREAT THEM AS SUCH.
"Because of his hormones, he only has three emotions: crabby, hungry, horny. So agree with everything, explain nothing, then do what is best for you," wrote Sherry Argov in her 2002 dating and relationship guide Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl. "If someone else doesn't like your confidence, that's their problem. Why? You always come before they do, that's why."
Props for promoting confidence, but that's a pretty dim and cartoonish way to view men. Building women up shouldn't mean putting men down, and agreeing with something to appease a man just seems antiquated. Plus, it totally ignores the idea that a healthy relationship is about communication.
2010S: ALWAYS ACT LIKE A LADY... WHATEVER THAT MEANS
Patti Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker published her 10 Commandments for Women Looking for Love in 2014, and her number one rule was to "always act like a lady," which means don't swear, never have sex on the first date, and only accept weekend dates if he asks no later than Wednesday.
"If you accept out of eagerness, he will feel you are too easy, and will move on to someone who makes him work harder," she wrote. And if we've learned anything from 120 years of marital advice, it's that history does not look kindly on a woman who does what she wants — whether it's drink, have sex, or say what she wants.
(Photos: Getty Images/ designed by Megan Tatem. This article originally appeared on Redbook)
