Saturday, January 16, 2016

Remember Kids... Your Dad Was a Hipster Before You Were!

For all you hipster kids out there, your dad was way ahead of you long before you were. He listened to vinyl before you did. He drank whiskey before you did. He had a mustache before you did. Admit it: your dad was a hipster before you were!

1. The only thing higher than the mountain tops was your dad.

2. Your dad is the legend you’d never believe. Sometime between taking lung shots off joints big enough to cause a coma, he was destroying days and riding hell speed into sunsets. He was the myth, the man, and the miracle.

3. Your dad dominated summer with a mega-chill attitude and a mustache tan line.

4. You dad was into indie before you were, but that was back when it was a rebel yell and the chords punched you in the chest. Enjoy listening to your whiny hipster bullshit.

5. Oh, you take art-bullshit double exposed photos hipsters? Yeah, your dad did too.

6. Your dad wore shorter short than you and he’s got the upper thigh tan line to prove it.

7. No matter how hard you try. No matter how many life-trophies you win. You’ll never be as whiskey badass as your dad. He lived like a fist punching his way through society.

8. Your dad was a real man. The kind of person who measured himself against the strength of whiskey and collected trophy scars. You’ll always be a runt compared to the champion of badassery. Sorry hipsters.

9. Your dad lived in Brooklyn before it was cool.

10. Your dad earned his Sailor Jerry ink by badassing around the world. Each piece was an earned badge of honor that told his tales of traveling. So next time you’re getting a bit of traditional ink done, just remember that your dad got it done before it was cool.

11. Your dad was norm-core before you were. Just when you hipsters thought you’d stamped your post-ironic mark on style with an original creation, your dad has already done it and he’s got the turtle neck Sear’s Portrait Studio prints to prove it.

12. Your dad was a struggling indie artist before you were.

13. Your dad got high as balls before you did and he’s got the hydroponic gardening skills to prove it. He rolled snow-cones of kush and had fifty gallon lungs that could rip a joint in a single hit.

So hipsters, next time you’re inhaling some sweet and legal, remember this…

You have your dad to thank and if you’re nice he might just teach you the ways of his green thumb.

14. Hipsters, your shit-whip will never compare to your dad’s badass ride.

15. Your dad can do shit you’ll never be able to. He can NBA jam your ass if you step out of line and the only thing he slammed harder than your mom was dunks.

16. Your dad was comfortable, unlike you’ll ever be. He smelled like a punch tasted and looked like a tidal wave of flesh. His body was a function mass of man crafted from heavy beer, bloody meat, and leather hand hardening hobbies. Shirtless, pantless… he didn’t give a fuck. He was who he was and anyone who cared could take it up with his middle finger.

So hipsters, next time you’re dieting into your skinny jeans or blindly doing whatever it takes to be trendy as shit, remember this…

Your dad drank, fought, fucked, and ate like royalty because his ideal body was one earned from enjoying life at full volume.

17. Your dad was ironic before you and he’s going to hell to prove it.

18. Your dad knew how to party before you did and he’s forgotten more nights than you’ll ever remember.

19. Fuck yeah your dad got hangovers, the worst part was realizing the mistake he made last night was making you.

20. Your dad was a dirt bag mountain thrasher. Those yuppy fucks ate his white wash as he ripped hell across fresh pow and flashed nuts at the world off sweet jumps.

21. Your dad hit above his average.

22. Your dad partied hardest and he nearly lost an eye to prove it.

23. Your dad went to Apple keynotes before it was cool.

24. Your dad had more balls than you.

25. Your dad didn’t just drink cheap beer before it was cool, he brewed that shit too.

26. Your dad’s scars are trophies from kicking life’s ass.

27. Your dad loved boxy cars before you did and he’s rolled a MkII Ford Cortina 1600E to prove it. His squared-off chariot rolled hate into haters hearts and had a backseat that dropped panties quicker than a laundry hamper. It was four corners of pure class and perfected lines that hugged more that just road’s curves.

So hipsters, when you’re Vintage Volvo dreaming, or lusting after that late model E-30, remember this…

Your dad is the reason those cars are considered “Used,” and it’s not because he drove them first.

28. Your dad hauled ass into destiny and flew into fame with every moment of destruction his camera captured. Instead of jotting down thousands of words, he left a biography of badassery in images.

29. Your dad sucked at his job before you did.

30. Your dad was a brawler of only the most martial of arts. His crane style ass kickery dropped any fool that dared try to step up to his level.

(via Dads are the Original Hipsters)

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